lateralnews.com

Intrium, makers of the world’s fastest PC have announced a massive increase in speed of their Fastium 4 Trio Wow 3.

Only last week they’d managed to run a popular office application fast enough to save a document before the operating system crashed. Something previously thought so impossible that a team of engineers had been strapped to a tiny orange until it could be proved possible!

Grender Squintlock, chairman of popular PC user group, RodentShifters, was overjoyed at the news. “Oh yeah! Hell yeah! Oh man! Yeah - that’s the spot” he mentioned when quizzed early today. Later he told us, “It’s been a while coming, but thank god it has. Several of our members have virtually been pulling their hair out waiting for such a hitherto unexpected speed increase.”.

BaldyTech, developers of the popular PC application, Virtual Pubic-Extracto 2009, have now announced a free major update to make use of the extra power offered by the new technology. Dungle Quinkstruff, CEO of BaldyTech had only some of the highest praise for the latest Fastium. “Hey! I wished for this kind of thing only last night. It wasn’t wet or nuffin, just a regular dream - one of those dreams that one wakes from only to wish for a scone and new toothbrush!”

Intrium’s main rival, Anorak, are believed to readying a replacement for their own uber-computing doofer. Rumours are strife amongst analysts. Popular consensus suggests Anorak’s next device, codenamed Ian, will outpace the Fastium by a factor of 37. If true, Intrium will have their work cut out. Wrenter Crumpletips, Anorak’s CEO has denied any such system is under development, saying, “You gotta be mad to think we’d take that kinda speed face on. We only just managed to get our Spoonium 72 out to retailers before Fastium brought out the Freeble 43. Nobody thought they could be beaten. You only have to look in any store to see what kind of carpet they have. Usually brown”.

The new Fastium is due to go on sale soon, sooner than next year and certainly after yesterday. The suggested price is free, buy they rarely listen to us. Well, apart from when we farted through a megaphone at last year’s AGM.

Oh nearly forgot. It gets hot and can be used to cook eggs.

Earlier today yet another world bank withdrew itself from the Hole in Wall Street.

Thrustknocker Partners, a key investment bank in over 2 countries today closed its doors for the first time. Up until now it had been a 24hr a day investment bank, allowing all and sundry to reap high returns on investments ranging from $100 to $102.12.

US President, Brick Oboe-Hammer expressed his utter dismay at this latest spike up the arse of the global economy. “What the hell were they thinking” he told a gathering of midget firemen. “I had $101.62 invested with those farge-bucklers. I was planning on spending that in 2027 on a packet of soup. ”

Terry Stoof, the US treasury secretary today announced an emergency plan to rescue a badger from a old rusty bucket. His political opponents poured scorn on his latest knee-jerk reaction. Graham Dazzler of the GOP said “I wish he’d stop doing that! It just isn’t what I had in mind. Sometimes I think he just doesn’t care.” When pushed for a less vague comment, Mr Dazzler belted out “How many beans make five?”.

This latest credit crunch crash has left well over 17 people of out work. The bank’s remaining 1,235,173 staff worldwide have been offered alternative careers in the quest for tiny pointy metal things in piles of equestrian belly filler.

A horse has two purposes :  To eat carrots and to move very fast when ridden. Badgers on the other hand only have one purpose and it certainly doesn’t involve horses. The grubby little mono-chromatic nocturns can’t stand the sight of their hooved daylight counterparts. Horses don’t care too much for badgers either for that matter. That’s almost beside the point - the big point, the massive great wobbly point is that badgers are much much smaller that horses.

Badgers are unable to jump and to that end cannot mount the horse, let alone begin to learn how to ride one. Even if a human intervened and chucked a badger onto the back of a willing horse, the badger would just sit there, looking at its claws and pondering the state of daytime TV.

So there you have it - that, in a nutshell, is why badgers would make very bad jockeys indeed. I certainly wouldn’t put any money on a horse called BadgerCarrierMonguistDuffleGoof and nor should you.

It’s been a strange 17 months.  If you are gullible - we were abducted by aliens minutes after posting the last story and have only just managed to escape their grasp.  If you are of a more cynical disposition, we abducted some aliens and spent 17 months questioning them intensively.  Either way we were very busy indeed.  We are less busy now and able to get back to reporting things the way you like! Regularly and ever-so laterally!  So, what next? How about a story about the Global Economy or an insight into the UK’s biggest cash cow - Jade Goody?  Hmm, I know! A story about why badgers can’t ride horses.  Yes - that’s settled.

It was announced today that the increasingly popular social website Facebook, is to merge with the website BumPamphlet.

The founder of BumPamphlet.com, Henry Woozwuppers, said “We’ve only been up and running for about a day or so. I’m excited that we’ll get to work with the guys over at Facebook. We were hoping to merge eventually with LegBrochure.com, but Facebook approached me this morning. I’m over the moon!”

BumPamphlet is much the same as Facebook, but allows users to share stories about there bottoms. Facebook are seeking to corner the market in body part socialism. Whether they’ll succeed or not will become clear over the coming months. Competition is hot right now. MySpace is rumoured to be aggressively seeking a take over of rival site RodentTiming.com.

“He’s a poofty wooft”, JK Rolling announced to a stunned crowd in New York yesterday.

“I wanted it to be a secret until the last book had been published and pretty much read by all who’d bought it”.

The head of Hogworts became a shirt lifter as a sub in his early teaching days. When asked what he thought it was like to finally be out of the closet he said “It’s magic! I love a good todging, but I hate doing it in secret, espcially when I’m in charge of so many young boys”.

Since the grey haired wand wobbler has been outed, a whole raft of other fictional characters have come clean - so to speak. Bambi was a lesbian, Martin Chuzzlewit adored a meaty stick and surprisingly Winnie the Poop was partial to a spot of milky man honey.

Today, Lewis Hamilton won £6 pounds after he’d entered last night’s EuroMillions lottery.

“I’ve never won so big!”, he exclaimed. “This will almost certainly take something away from tomorrow’s Grand Prix.”

Max Mosely of the FIA said “Chicken soup! That’s what I just had for my lunch. It was tasty”. We then asked him what he thought of Lewis’s win, to which he replied, “It had little bits of vegetable floating in it too!”. Sounds like Max is on fine form.

Scientists working in Central Africa have discovered what they believe to be the reason behind the much talked about “Global Warming.”

During an archaelogical dig last week in Uganda, Dr Freep Truvven from the National History Museum of Amsterdam, discovered a strange object. Intially thought to be an alien artifact, the item was later fully uncovered and found to be an almighty thermostat control. Plans to fully excavate the find have been shelved until the full extent of the heating system has been traced.

The current thinking behind this astounding discovery is that dinosaurs had put the heating on timer and set the thermostat on high. This theory is backed up by a large area and number of dinosaur bones found in Uganda, along with some fossilised massive jumpers. It is thought that the dinosaurs went out for a bit and it was their intention to be back in time to turn it down, but as we are now well aware, they all snuffed it!

Siesmic surveys carried out in the last few days have shown that the thermostat is indeed connected to the core of the earth. Quite how the control effects it change on the Earth’s temperature is yet be explained. Dr Sheen Shongalong from “It’s TRUE”, an American science journal, explained, “It’s clear that the thermostat is the reason for our recent hotting up, but quite why the timer was set so far into the dinosaur’s future is perplexing to say the least. It is my belief that the setting was made in error. Some dinosaurs do have awkward claws.”

No attempt is being made to adjust the thermostat, just in case it breaks and we’re left freezing cold or hotter than ever before.When asked to comment, Kiffer Broomshaft of Greenpeace said “Hang on, I’m still finishing off my kelp and otter sandwich.”

A new element was discovered today in London, England. The yet to be named element was found by leading research scientist, Dr Wibbler Goonfoomp, a fellow of Coxford University.

This find brings the total in the periodic table to a leg buckling 119. The last element to be added, Ununseptium, was included in the standard table back in October 2006.

A normally reclusive academic, Dr Goonfoomp, has spent the last 7 years of his research looking for new elements. In February 2003 he was on the brink of a discovery when a colleague pointed out that he mistakenly identified ketchup.

The new element is unusual in that its atmoic mass far exceeds that of any of the existing entries in the table. Something that many, if not all scientists thought impossible. The previous record holder being Lawrencium with a mass of 262. The latest find topples that with a hoomfhumbering 383! To put that into context, imagine an ant in one hand and a broom in the other.

Dr Goonfoomp claims he was on the verge of discovery several times during the past 12 months. His eureka moment came however when watching the UK Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, in action during a recent visit to Clagfield, England. “I’ve never made the connection until then”, enthused the doctor. “It had been right there, staring me in the face - I’d often commented on how odd Mr Brown’s jaw looked when he paused for breath. It was only after I’d contacted Mr Brown’s office, Number 10 Downing Street, to ask, in the name of research, for a sample of his saliva”. After several days of analysis, Dr Goonfoomp isolated the new chemical. “It was amazing - here it was, a new chemical element and it had been in a leading politician’s mouth all this time! I moved quickly and registered my discovery, seeking Mr Brown’s approval of course.”

So it appears that the sudden drop of Gordon Brown’s jaw is explained simply by the relatively immense weight of his saliva. His jaw weakened by years of abuse simply buckles under the weight, dropping each time he pauses for breath. When asked why nobody else seems to exhibit this behaviour, Dr Goonfoomp said “We’re investigating this at the moment, but our current belief is that the new element is only present in Mr Brown’s saliva.”

Naming a new chemical element, especially one with such gravitas is no mean feat. The scientific community usually looks to the Latin language for inspiration, but most pronouncable -iums have been taken. The most likely candidate so far is “Goongobdropium”.

Professor Fluttsock Wherpdood, a leading expert on trouser design has expressed an interest in potential uses of “Goongobdropium” as a method of keeping flares from flapping. He’s been quoted as saying “Flapping flares has been a problem my entire career, this new element could be just the solution”.

The element is to be officially named in London later this year by the Queen and a man from Bradford, known only as Kelpface.

In yet another example of careless ignorance, a woman from the US has been collared and cuffed for fellating the internet.

Jimjam Thomarse, 31, from Montana, USA, The Earth has been fined a globbingly large amount of doshings. She’s reported to have swallowed a whole bunch of music after she sucked off the internet earlier this year.

The US record industry said it had resisted her initial attempts and even used protection. Earlier in the year, members of the 4 largest record labels united against her rampant gropings, but to no avail. It seems she was insistent on getting her hands on their most succulent offerings.

When faced by the jury, Little Miss Thomarse wiped the tears away from her lips and blurted “You can take my money, but you can’t take my memories!”. The jury then suggested a large fine and that the judge order her memory to be wiped.

Ninto Jamplump from the US record industry said “We hope this sends a message out to all those who seek to gobble off the internet and gulp down our givings”.